I have a horrific headache as I’m writing this, so it may be very short. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trust – and about trusting my inner voice most of all. It’s part of why I’m writing my book about ritual – I believe so strongly that it’s our connection to our inner self that’s most important, and that one of the ways of accessing that inner self is through ritual. Trouble is, it’s not always so easy to do. Trust, I mean.
Many, many, many times I have received messages from my inner self – through dreams, trances, and intuitions – and part of me has always doubted. How could I trust myself? What if I was wrong? What if it was all in my head – all made up? The more distance I got from the moment of inspiration, the more doubt that seeped in around the edges. Even after years of honing my discernment, I doubt.
And then another dream will come… or another gut hit. I know what I have to do. If only I had the strength to carry through. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes not. Sometimes I do a push me / pull you dance of back and forth. And I wait for the brick to the head, if it comes to that. (The one that’s thrown by an increasingly frustrated inner guide, who starts with nudges and small pebbles, but has no compunctions about resorting to indicators a lot more forceful, if need be.)
I’m in one of those places right now. I have a very strong intuition that I need to cut back on my blog writing, and yet I can’t give up my schedule. Sometimes I fear that if I left blogging for the inspired moments, I’d never get anything written. There’s a part of me that doesn’t believe in anything but hard work and slogging. Joy, lightness, flow, alignment – that stuff is too ephemeral. Too unreliable. Too risky.
(Still waiting for that brick, I guess…)
Are there any bricks in your near future?